Legitimacy for Dating...Questions
All of us know at least one person who is 'going out'/'dating' someone so everyone can understand this post. However, if you are going out with someone yourself, then stop. Read no further cause this entry will not interest you and may even irritate you. If you are, on the other hand, still 'single', then please continue reading and do tell me what you think about it.
This entry is a result of some (futile?) discussion on the subject of 'dating'. Admittedly, all of us like/have liked/will like someone. Does that necessarily mean we have to go out with that person? Well, the answer to that is simple - if you like someone, it implies that you enjoy their company and so you will want to spend more time with them and going out is one way of doing that. Fair enough. But what if you are already good friends with the person you like and spend a lot of time with her/him? [I request the reader to not misconstrue the above or what follows as an indication of my romantic interests. I have none AT THE MOMENT and am merely groping about in the realm of theory] In that case, the argument that you will get to spend more time with her/him fails.
The other argument advanced is that by dating someone, you'll have the feeling that that someone is 'there for you'. I have two disagreements with this argument - one, I would say, at the risk of being cynical, that since most of these relationships break sooner or later, usually sooner (I concede that there are some relationships that don't break but I maintain that these are only the exceptions) there is more pressure on one or both parties to 'keep it going'. Therefore, far from being reassuring, it actually leaves you in doubt - does she/he really like me or has her/his liking for me decreased etc. The second disagreement is at a spiritual level - if you are looking for reassurance, if you want to feel that someone is always there for you, wouldn't it be a better option to rely on something permanent like God or a Superior Force (assuming you believe in one) rather than relying on ephemeral things and getting hurt when they are less permanent than you thought they were? I am not going to discuss this issue with regard to atheists because I haven't given enough thought to it.
The third argument is that dating is fun. Quite frankly, I cannot counter this since (a) fun is a subjective standard so I cannot speak for anybody else - for e.g. if a person thinks getting pierced is fun, then it is so for her/him, I can't dispute it just because it is not fun for me(b) since I haven't dated anyone myself, I can't tell whether dating would be fun for me, according to my standard (this applies to 'you won't know how great it is because you haven't tried it' as well).
So when people say that they have a 'meaningful' relationship, do they mean they are having fun or that is reassuring or both? I certainly don't understand the reassuring part for the reasons given above. So where is the legitimacy for dating? Before you think I am living in a different universe, I have confession to make - I have "asked out" a person myself but haven't dated; in less sophisticated terms, she didn't say yes. So you think this post is just out of frustration? Well, in my defense, I have thinking about this off and on for a long time so it isn't necessarily because of frustration. But why did I "ask her out" when I wasn't convinced of the legitimacy of dating? I have nothing to say in my defense - I was indeed being a hypocrite.
Finally, I would like to 'solicit' your opinion on this matter although you may think I am totally weird for thinking about such things. I am not able to accept it completely though it seems to be the trend today and I think it is essential that we question at least this part of the 'dominant discourse' (it is post-modern jargon).
[P.S. This post has not been written by Ranjani - it should have been obvious (in her posts, you won't find words struggling to make sentences; sentences forced into paragraphs; and paragraphs made into a whole agaisnt their will) but nonetheless...
This entry is a result of some (futile?) discussion on the subject of 'dating'. Admittedly, all of us like/have liked/will like someone. Does that necessarily mean we have to go out with that person? Well, the answer to that is simple - if you like someone, it implies that you enjoy their company and so you will want to spend more time with them and going out is one way of doing that. Fair enough. But what if you are already good friends with the person you like and spend a lot of time with her/him? [I request the reader to not misconstrue the above or what follows as an indication of my romantic interests. I have none AT THE MOMENT and am merely groping about in the realm of theory] In that case, the argument that you will get to spend more time with her/him fails.
The other argument advanced is that by dating someone, you'll have the feeling that that someone is 'there for you'. I have two disagreements with this argument - one, I would say, at the risk of being cynical, that since most of these relationships break sooner or later, usually sooner (I concede that there are some relationships that don't break but I maintain that these are only the exceptions) there is more pressure on one or both parties to 'keep it going'. Therefore, far from being reassuring, it actually leaves you in doubt - does she/he really like me or has her/his liking for me decreased etc. The second disagreement is at a spiritual level - if you are looking for reassurance, if you want to feel that someone is always there for you, wouldn't it be a better option to rely on something permanent like God or a Superior Force (assuming you believe in one) rather than relying on ephemeral things and getting hurt when they are less permanent than you thought they were? I am not going to discuss this issue with regard to atheists because I haven't given enough thought to it.
The third argument is that dating is fun. Quite frankly, I cannot counter this since (a) fun is a subjective standard so I cannot speak for anybody else - for e.g. if a person thinks getting pierced is fun, then it is so for her/him, I can't dispute it just because it is not fun for me(b) since I haven't dated anyone myself, I can't tell whether dating would be fun for me, according to my standard (this applies to 'you won't know how great it is because you haven't tried it' as well).
So when people say that they have a 'meaningful' relationship, do they mean they are having fun or that is reassuring or both? I certainly don't understand the reassuring part for the reasons given above. So where is the legitimacy for dating? Before you think I am living in a different universe, I have confession to make - I have "asked out" a person myself but haven't dated; in less sophisticated terms, she didn't say yes. So you think this post is just out of frustration? Well, in my defense, I have thinking about this off and on for a long time so it isn't necessarily because of frustration. But why did I "ask her out" when I wasn't convinced of the legitimacy of dating? I have nothing to say in my defense - I was indeed being a hypocrite.
Finally, I would like to 'solicit' your opinion on this matter although you may think I am totally weird for thinking about such things. I am not able to accept it completely though it seems to be the trend today and I think it is essential that we question at least this part of the 'dominant discourse' (it is post-modern jargon).
[P.S. This post has not been written by Ranjani - it should have been obvious (in her posts, you won't find words struggling to make sentences; sentences forced into paragraphs; and paragraphs made into a whole agaisnt their will) but nonetheless...
posted by What ho at 12:54 PM
7 Comments:
i didn't stop reading at the first paragraph like i was supposed to.. so whether my comments are solicited or not.. they are here to leave their mark!
i have this only to say..
you'll never really understand it till you get into it.. admittedly it seems like a lot of fuss about nothing.. but sometimes things do fall into place.. and when that happens it's not that the exception proves the rule..
i don't subscribe to dating honestly.. it sounds pretty flaky and casual though i don't know why.. but i do subscribe to the concept of relationships!
how i have blabbered ma..
:p
First, thanks for actually commenting! Anyway, I understand what you are saying and thats why I said I didn't have a counter-argument. Perhaps there is a difference between the 'dating'(like the song in Boys which is extremly wierd) and a serious relationship. I will not chastize you now for breaking the 'rule' cause noone else has bothered to comment...Such is life :)
wow man.. so u feel that all the single people shud go to temple and date god..!!
Ur right man.. the concept of date is still not clear.. Some of us go to barista n hv a few chat and think "voila wonderful date this chick was".. Or else a candle light dinner in a drab hotel.. well written..
hey...i happened to read ur post... gud one...... but.... u ceem to take a lotta care while writing to protect urself from ne controveies.. why such spl care ???
n this "dating" is a more subjective word and can can even take "very wierd" meaning as in "BOYS".....
....... up to the discretion of the ones involved.... the singles jus gape :)
are you saying there's no difference between non platonic love and friendship?
also in most cases 'dating' legitimises sex which u don't seem to have factored in...?
and sorry but the going to the temple and dating god comment was funny!!
coz it's more of a peer pressure issue na, i'm not saying peer pressure in a negative sense, but like if all your friends are going out with someone, it wouldn't be fashionable for you to go to the temple!:)
also if you don't go out with ppl how will you finally find someone to get married to?
and the way you describe the way you write in the post script, is too nice, although you don't reallywrite like that.
lastly i think your a sorri naiyi, coz i've heppened your blog by commenting sooo many times on it and you haven't responded in kind.
The part about dating legitimizing sex is true. But don't you think people have too much faith in 'relationships' and claim that only that gives them security blah blah. Shouldn't they be more open to, well failure, and realize that there is a life outside the relationship?
But that depends on each person na, some ppl esp these open relationship kinds are soo secure, more than married ppl. Hence, delegitimising dating would be like saying religion is fucked because of communalism.. (?)
also you are yet to justify your faith in the caste system
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