The child is grown, the dream is gone....

Every once in a while, your heart feels heavy but you don't really know what to do to make yourself feel better... There's no particular reason really... or shall we say there's no reason you would acknowledge to yourself. I've tried music, staring at the endless night sky, reading a book, chatting on the phone(thats the worst actually, sadness clings to solitude like a best pal)- nothing works. Not even the tried and tested cure- 'Friends'. They're quite a bit like the amusing distant cousins you contact everytime you just wanna have fun, in a secure family environment. But anyways enough with the depression, I'll atleast try in this fit of melancholy to think of something else....
I read a three part series by Valerio Massimo Manfredi about Alexander the Great. It is as the author says, quite a "romance"- a tale that makes Alexander appear more as a Greek god rather than a mortal or even a demi god. Alexander was a childhood idol of mine. It was a silly romantic thing I suppose- I was always attracted to the warrior/knight types. Alexander the Great and Richard the Lionheart among the many. Actually there are some similarities between the two- both were universally proclaimed excellent warriors but very few would call them good kings. Richard was said to be unpopular at home but inspirational on the battlefield and the same with Alexander. But of course these are the common assumptions(?), misconceptions(?) about the two.
Going on to the novel, in Manfredi's eyes, Alexander can't do or think wrong. It certainly boosts my childhood image of him, but I'm far too old to believe in the idea of a man who can't think or do wrong; certainly not in the idea of a powerful man who can't think or do wrong. Every slight offence that he commits is invariably under the influence of alcohol- Sometimes he retains his senses even when intoxicated! The book depicts Alexander as retaining his childhood passions, dreams and even idealism to a certain extent... Though I desperately wish that it were true, it simply isn't believable. I don't think I'm a cynic. Can the most powerful man, a man who killed thousands ( hell millions) ; the man who killed his childhood friend and a loyal general; the man whose life it was to make war really have been somewhat innocent, trusting and vulnerable...? I guess at the end of the day, I like retaining my childhood image of Alexander- A glorious, noble, passionate, vulnerable, intelligent, moving human being.... Who just happened to conquer the world and slaughter millions. It's so easy to romanticise when you're young. Wish it were the same when you grow older. Or maybe I should be thankful it's not worse. Imagine the consequences, if I turned life into a fairytale.......
Enough rambling for today I suppose....